I was ready to go.

One year ago today, the paramedics loaded me into the ambulance.

I always assumed I’d go early. Dad had passed at 44, and Mom made 54. I never really expected to eclipse 40, so I was already in the bonus.

On the short trip to the ER, I looked out the window and prayed.

“I’m ready, if it’s time” I silently offered.

I’ve told the people closest to me how much I love them. I’ve written some detailed letters to my daughters, letting them know how proud I am of them. How deeply I believe in them. How honored I am to be their dad.

I knew my slate was clean, not of my own doing, but from a sacrifice that was made for me two millennia ago. I’d come clean of my sins, large and small, openly to others.

And while I hadn’t accomplished everything I’d wanted to in this life, I was ready to go.

I have lived a blessed life. I’ve been loved by family and friends. I’ve given love, and hopefully, made my part of the world a better place. I was confident that the people who’ve crossed my path knew how much I cared for them. As difficult as the moment of parting may be, I believed that they were ready.

Except for one.

As much as I’ve tried to prepare one relative for my eventual departure, I knew she wasn’t ready.

So I prayed some more.

“God, I really don’t mind if this is my time. I’m okay with that. But I’m really worried about her. She’s not ready for this. This will wreck her.”

In a blur, I was rushed into the ER, where a swarm of amazing miracle-workers tended to me. I was delirious, but peaceful. Not the way I wanted to go, but then again, I really couldn’t envision a way that I did want to go.

But I guess it wasn’t time.

Maybe it was answered prayer. Or maybe I was never really that close to the finish line.

Either way, I’m still here. In the best health I’ve ever been in. Running marathons and ultras. Trying to make the most of the time that remains. Trying to prepare others for the eventual departure.

And while I’m here, I’ll help her get ready, bridging the gap between the season of her life that she needs me to be present; and the season that she is ready to walk on her own, trusting in Him.


One thought on “Ready.

  1. I’ll read Kaput too, but read this one this morning. (You are on my Feedly.) I would love to read more about your spiritual journey because of what you shared here. I am assuming that you talk with Him pretty openly. Amazing stuff here. Keep writing!

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